Deep Questions on My Life

Last night whilst perusing TikTok a good friend of mine sent me one that posed some great deep questions and I promised them, I would ponder it today and write my responses.

If you were in a room with everyone you ever met, who would you look for first?
I think this one is easy, without doubt it would be my mum. Being a fairly young adult when she died of breast cancer, I was ill equipped with the tragedy of it and how life would be so different following that event. There have been lots of major events in my life that I would wish to run past her, and lastly to catch up time that we lost. In my mind, I often talk with my mum and she still directs my actions to this day. I stress, this is not learnt behaviour, but chosen actions. I am immensely proud of my mum’s faith and how she displayed it in her actions. I understand my turning away from a catholic background would have caused her great pain but that is on me, and was a choice I made freely. These elements feature strongly in the discussion to be had, that of my spirituality and my strong connection to freemasonry for large part of my life.

If somebody gave you a box of everything you have ever lost, what would be the first thing you looked for?
These days I very much try to not be materialistic. One of my favourite sayings is “experiences not things“. However in my late 30‘s I lost a gold St Christopher chain. It was given to me for my 18th birthday and the chain was the perfect length. It went most places with me, unfortunately, I lost it whilst working in the garden and I was never able to find it. It vexes me still that I lost it. I suppose this is something that I must work harder on.

If you had the chance to relive one day of your life what would it be and why?
This is a genuinely tough question. I try to live with no regrets, my decisions are considered and I don‘t rush into anything, and this means because it has been considered I have no regrets. I suppose a bit like back to the future paradox, it would change the outcome of your life and those experiences make you who you are. There are many to choose from, a wedding day, turning down an apprenticeship to WHU FC but I think I would go right back and just cut out the going into the Navy. I hated every minute of it, I stayed long enough to pass out and then left. I went in the Navy because my elder brother was in the army (where I wanted to be) but I had seen my mum‘s heart break every day whilst he was in Northern Ireland, so I went for the easier option. In retrospect I should have just gone straight into the infantry and made a long career out of it. There was also a time where I was accepted into the Met Police, and at the time this was a real possibility, but seeing how political correctness has gone down, I would not be enjoying it at this time.

If you could receive a letter from your future self, what advice or hindsight would you hope to find in it?
This one is much easier than I thought. It would simply be, you are high functioning autistic, own it and live your best life. Im fairly recently diagnosed and it has made a huge difference to me. I can observe myself with a degree of understanding and acceptance and I move away from being annoyed at myself. I could have made many working relationships much easier in my previous years and the sense I have searched for all of my life would be totally unnecessary.

If you had the opportunity to have a deep conversation with any person, living or deceased, who would it be, and what topic would you discuss?
Too many to consider, but maybe Queen Cleopatra. I think she was wise beyond her time and I would question her about her understanding of the world, and to ask, even though the pyramids were built 2500 years prior what was her understanding of the construction. I would be asking about her beliefs, her hopes and dreams. Obviously Ramesses might be a better one to ask but I think she defined a period and was majestically feminine.

If you had to define your purpose in one sentence, what would it be, and how does it influence the choices you make in your daily life?
Do more to help people in life. I believe we are living to insular a life and do not put others before ourselves enough. This selfishness and behaviour makes the world a difficult place to live and causes much of the mental health issues that people are suffering with. There is a great sense of personal satisfaction in managing to help somebody in the course of your day. This is ultimately why I enjoy being a guard on the trains. Out of mostly negative interactions there will be one that you manage to make a real difference to. That outweighs the negative. As a race we focus on that negativity but the positive really does change the world.

Who would you say you are: the voice inside your head or the one who hears it?
This a great question, I am constantly working on ignoring all the voices and thoughts inside my head. It is something that anti depressants taught me to do, focus on the one thing in front of you. For me, I am the one who hears and dismisses it.

Are you living your life consciously or compulsively?
I would like to say I am living a conscious life. I am definitely not living compulsively, I would say more habitually from my autism. Getting into doing my conscious thoughts is quite hard for me to do.

That is my response to the questions, I would most definitely be interested in hearing your thoughts, so either comment below or answer on the original FB post. Love you all.