Living with Pain

Living with Pain

Last few years for me have been an eye opener for Pain and the living with pain that follows. It started for me in my earlier days of martial arts and being very sports active. You know, the doctors say, it great to be active, then as you get old and vertebrae wear and suddenly the doctors are saying, “well, exercise is good in moderation”. The pain of the bones grinding makes you think about suicide. I know, it sounds dramatic, but truly, the relentless pain takes your mind to weird places. I was prescribed in my early thirties such a strong dose of medications that I could not function as a human. The pain was gone, but so was the reason for living. There was none. My stupefied brain could not connect long enough to any part of reality. I took myself off medication and researched google (not so easy in those days) and came up with a plan of attack which helped.

Fast forward to two years ago and a major car crash, suddenly, I have broken wrists, cracked ribs, nerve damage in neck and a sciatic nerve problem in back. With those years of pain killers and physio and ct scans, x-rays and specialist appointments, Im told it is arthritis which was a pre existing condition. I find it hard to accept it was pre existing if I did not have those pains in the first place. But apparently there is nothing I can do about it. This time we have done the whole gamut of pain killers and none of them work except strong doses of morphine.

If like me, your understanding of people with arthritis is bent backs and mis-shaped hands and a bit of pain, you need to listen in. On some days, you will wake up and you literally cannot live with the pain levels that are being experienced, you can’t even get it on a scale that makes sense. It is so debilitating that movement of any kind is unbearable and getting out of bed is not worth it, even though it isn’t any more comfortable in bed. Again, Iv taken so many different pain killer and the reality is they just do not work. Your mind is the best tool against the pain that you have. But you have to be determined to deal with it. Iv got it to a good level, where most of the time you wouldn’t know Im dealing wth pain, some days I will whinge getting up out of a chair, or my back locks at the wrong time, or even using my shoulder incorrectly will cause me to swear. Im still waiting for a settlement on the accident for the pain, its being held up now for my eyes. Which were damaged slightly in the original crash. The reality of it now is, that I would swap any amount of money to have not had the crash. Apart from the pain and waste of energy, I lost my beloved S Type Jag and had a run of crappy cars.

Pain is a constant friend to me now, as I say, mostly it is manageable, but that is through very deep meditation and understanding of the pain. And, of course there are people who experience much worse than I do, every single minute of every day, and there are mental pains, which Im certain have got worse through the Lockdown situation and enforced time with people you might not want to be with.

All I can do is offer you who are suffering a smile, a notional cuddle and a prayer that you cope and that some day the pain is eased for you as it is me most days. I love ya and you all know that. Xxx